Surrounded by grace

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place on the world for it - in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out..."

from "Eat, Pray, Love", by Elizabeth Gilbert

These words resonated for me today. I read them while sitting in the hospital waiting room where I waited, jangled but hopeful, for biopsy results 18 months ago. I was there again today to meet the surgeon who will soon remove my chemotherapy port. This marvellous device, my “bionic vein”, has nestled inside my chest this whole time, so long that I’ve nearly forgotten it’s there. It is no longer needed, and I’m looking forward to farewelling this last vestige of treatment. Looking forward, and also looking behind me, reflectively.

I’m really feeling the 18 months that have passed, and especially the months devoted to recovery since the mastectomy. I was blessed with the space and time to be in my grief, ragged and deep and undone, and in my healing. Although at the time it didn’t feel like healing, I trusted that I was experiencing a transformative process, and not stagnating. It was overwhelming at times, and for months I was largely unable to attend to practical things. My GP tried more than once to give me antidepressants, but I wasn’t depressed. I was in mourning. And by honouring it, I found myself “…in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace.”

I feel as if I’m closing a chapter softly behind me.