Falling

 

he fell off his bike.

spent / unspent

 

these words rain, falling

through my cold fingers like so

many spent bullets

(untitled)

 

This winding road

This pending load

This shining sky

This dawdling lie

This winding road

This skilling load

This shying sky

This dandling lie

This winding way

This hard-won day

This short-lived stay

This distant fray 

This winding road

This pending lode

This sounding sky

This dangling sigh 

III.

 

        How tired we feel, my heart and I !

        We seem of no use in the world ; 

        Our fancies hang grey and uncurled

        About men's eyes indifferently ; 

        Our voice which thrilled you so, will let

        You sleep ; our tears are only wet : 

        What do we here, my heart and I ? 

                ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

II.

 

        You see we're tired, my heart and I. 

        We dealt with books, we trusted men,

        And in our own blood drenched the pen,

        As if such colours could not fly.

        We walked too straight for fortune's end,

        We loved too true to keep a friend ; 

        At last we're tired, my heart and I. 

                ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Why should I ever trust you?

You did a shit job of catching me when I fell. 

Please

I'm stuck

Right/Wrong

This is true about life: no one tells you if you're getting it right. 

Many people will tell you you're getting it wrong, you're doing it wrong, even that you are wrong. They are probably wrong.  

Funnily enough, when you are actually getting it wrong, very few people will be kind or honest or brave enough to talk with you, and not at you, about what it is that's wrong, and how it is that you can start making it right. 

Even fewer will talk with you about what is wrong while staying present to what you're already doing right, even in the midst of your most terrible-seeming wrongness. 

And the most terrible-seeming wrongness is when you're doing your absolute hardest to get it right, and yet, despite all reason, all sensible effort, you still seem to be getting it wrong. Not because anyone has had those brave and kind conversations with you and you understand what needs to change, but because that wrongness veers alarmingly out of control and becomes outright failure. Not minor or short-lived failure, but big, ongoing failure, the kind that changes the landscape of your life. 

And in the middle of your failure, there are very few people who can say anything useful at all, about rightness or wrongness or anything else, unless they too have known that place of failure. 

And if they've known that place of failure, there aren't a lot of things they will say, but this is one of them: no one tells you if you're getting it right. You have to figure that out for yourself. And the most powerful place to start figuring that out is right now, in the midst of your failure. Because that's where you get to decide: is this even about rightness/wrongness, or is it about something else? (Hint: it's always about something else). And when you start thinking about what that something else is, you've already moved from judgement to assessment, and that's the first step that you - that anyone - needs to take to get to whatever it is that's right for you. 

If I could...

I would tell you

I don't know what I'm doing

but I don't even know how to do that

#this

 this bitter love / this twisted knife / 

 this idle dream / this lying strife / 

I dreamed

I dreamed
that
I cried

The Problem Is

the problem with

being a dreamer

is that you're

Always

asleep & awake

awake & asleep

at the same

Time

I remember now

I remember now – 

I dreamed about the stars * * *  

Black

falling deeper

getting closer

 to the furthest part

of darkness

The edge of my heart just fades to

black.

NaCl

That which is unsaid

assumes a denser form and

leaks silently out

Inescapable

It's like

staring down a chute

with no real sense

of how steep

how dark or

how long

the drop

will

be

it's days like these

and it's times like these 

and it's days like these

it's been a long time coming

but i'm falling short

Låpsley

Your words

Nothing can be lost or won

stuck in its own frailty

Everything you heard 
was wrong


And your words
~ your words ~
made me strong

Spindle

Kindness is ---

- a spindle of light

unspooling in darkness

- a strong golden filament

that softens the fall

- a thread of sense

in the insensible void 

the dawning

I had a dream
that all of time
was running dry

and life was
like a comet
falling from the sky

I woke so frightened
in the dawning
oh so clear

how precious
is the time
we have here