How tired we feel, my heart and I !
We seem of no use in the world ;
Our fancies hang grey and uncurled
About men's eyes indifferently ;
Our voice which thrilled you so, will let
You sleep ; our tears are only wet :
What do we here, my heart and I ?
~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning
You see we're tired, my heart and I.
We dealt with books, we trusted men,
And in our own blood drenched the pen,
As if such colours could not fly.
We walked too straight for fortune's end,
We loved too true to keep a friend ;
At last we're tired, my heart and I.
~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Please be advised on this 15th day of December 2020, that I do declare publicly that I have no appetite for being treated badly by the same persons in the same manner using the same methods that have been used to treat me badly on a previous occasion or occasions, and that it is my most strenuously asserted right to refuse any actions that have the semblance, manner or insinuation of comprising such bad treatment, and to thereby alter the trajectory of my experience and circumstances to a more beneficial outcome.
Look upon this
It is the face and shape and form
Of my loneliness
Look upon this
It is the shape and form and face
Of my keening anguish
Look upon this
It is the form and face and shape
Of my desolate loss
Know this
As you look upon this
It is the face and shape and form
Of many moments
That did not rain softly upon me
That did not alight as blessings
That did not pass lightly from my life
But it is not
It has never been
The face and shape and form
Of my consenting
Silence
More than anything
I don’t understand
why any of these privations
could have should have would have
been necessary.
I just don’t understand
what value
what benefit
what meaning
is attached to anything
that has been done.
It’s one thing to bear the weight
of the blows as they
fall upon me.
But it’s another burden again
when the sense and purpose
in those blows is absent.
What can I do with this?
How can I arrange the pieces of
this interminable experience
so that they are shaped into a form
that I can comprehend?
How can I assemble these
unruly painful fragments
into a whole that is
kind enough in its angles and
gentle enough in its sharp facets
to permit me to dwell therein
without being shredded anew
in each small movement
that I take?
More than anything
I don’t understand
and it hurts.
Do you understand? Do you really understand what it is like to be paid nothing? To receive nothing, despite all your time, energy, effort? To accrue expenses in the conduct of your actions, and receive no compensation at all, no petty cash, no expense reimbursements? Do you understand what it is like to write job applications, over and over, and despite your skill and well-wrought words, to be disregarded again and again? Do you understand what it is like to achieve, to be solidly successful in your endeavour, and then to be turned away without reward, without even payment for what it is you have done? Do you understand what it is like to feel the pull of required actions that you are no longer able to fund and therefore are now unable to do, because you have no money? Do you understand what it is like to see the people who, individually and collectively, led you to this place succeeding in their endeavours, and being rewarded and recompensed for it while you are provided with less than nothing? Do you understand what it is like to have no income, for an awful, terrible, relentless period of time, and to have no adequate explanation for that monetary exclusion? Do you understand what it is like when all your meagre savings have run out and there is not enough to live on each fortnight, so you don’t? You don’t buy what you need and you don’t have what you need and you don’t do all the things you need to, because there isn’t the money and there isn’t even the help that was promised? Do you understand what it is like to make sure you put petrol in the car every fortnight even when your teeth are bleeding and your gums are blistered with decay? Do you understand what it is like to know that you will turn up, every time, even though you haven’t been paid, not even once? Do you know what it’s like to stand at the checkout, repeatedly, knowing that your groceries will cost more than the money you have, and you are going to have to put some of them back, again, even though you need them? Do you understand what it is like to be made poor while others profit from your skill? Do you understand what it is like to be so good at what you do that so many people profit from it that they, individually and collectively, perpetuate a state of unmet need in you, so that you are forced to do it, over and over again without ever receiving even the most basic monetary support? Do you understand what it is like when people have looked you in the eye and asked you to trust them, and you have, and then they go about their lives for months and then years, without even exercising the most basic decency of ensuring you are ok? (I’m not ok, by the way). None of you have asked me, but if you had, I would have told you, very honestly, that this is an impost not only against my financial wellbeing but also against my freedom to live the life I choose for myself. Do you understand what it is to have an invisible cage built around you, made of purposeful economic exclusion? Do you understand what it is like when the cage is held there by every person who should care, but who doesn’t? Do you understand what it is like when that cage is kept there by people you care about? Do you understand what it is like to be betrayed in this way? Do you understand that the pain of this is devastating, on every level?
I wish you could see how small my life has become,
how bounded, how constrained.
I wish you could see how limited my view is,
in this small house, through this ugly window.
I wish you could see how I have been reduced,
segmented, chipped and whittled away.
I wish you could see what I can't see anymore ---
the spacious possibility of my vision,
torn down into a mountain of rubble.
I wish you could see how foolish I have been
to believe that it could be better,
that my actions would result in something bigger.
I wish you could see I did it for me, yes,
because I needed it, but also
for you, because you did too.
