this consequence

this consequence ~ 

so easily wrought

by your facile savagery ~

finds its mark. 

this consequence ~

so cunningly built 

by your trenchant indolence ~

finds its mark. 

this consequence ~

so carelessly made

by your reckless indifference ~

finds its mark. 

every time

 

It is a thousand knives, every time,

and every one of them has found its mark.

apart

apart

kept apart

apart from everything

apart from everything else

there is this

rankling realisation 

that this

even this

my space

has been 

kept apart

i have been 

SCREAMING

into a void

that is

kept apart

my words 

have fallen 

into nothing

nowhere

kept apart

my pain

has gathered

insensible

in drifts

kept apart

away

elsewhere

otherwise

unseen

apart

&

apart

kept apart

even this

is/become

a cage

thirty

This thirty rings hollow, like the crashing of these waves onto an empty beach. This thirty is mine yes but stripped away from me also, taken along with all the other absences and all the other losses. This thirty is wrapped, muffled in your convenient assumptions, and your careless permission for unforgiveable things to be rendered unto me, again. Again and again this thirty is turned upon itself, unrecognisable in the disgorgement of what should-have-been, false in what was, and yet it was this way and it is. This thirty is mine yes but taken from me also. Did my words cut you? Did they cut you like this misshapen thirty has cut me? Did they stripe upon your skin like this thirty did mine, this thirty and before that others too? This thirty has howled in this listening place, and with many others, and its cries were met with silence, and that too rings hollow on the moaning wind. There is no joy here, only failure. Is the failure mine, or is it merely borne by me? I am torn down by this, again, and no new number of promises will make this better. This thirty was mine but now it is become wrong, like so many other wrongs, and I have forgotten so much and in my forgetting it has been turned to lies. And with those lies only sorrow and all the harrowing hours are wrapped around it and all of my hopeless helpless anguish and I cannot and I cannot do this and I cannot bear this and I cannot I just cannot live this thirty and all the others I cannot. 

It’s like…

 It’s like…

Questions

Is this how it will be now? 

On (dis)trust

It can hardly be wondered now

strung

 

        surely you must know

        how tight my patience has been

        strung? yet still you pull

Please send help.

 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I just can’t. 

It’s too much brutalisation for, well, apparently no reward. 

I require you to know this

At some point, I am going to need to reconcile the enormous lie that you have enacted upon me. Unless or until that happens, my sense of betrayal remains absolute. My feelings of loss and my anger at your reckless disregard of me, of my needs, of my fundamental rights, are a constant corrosive force in my life. This is what you have done, with your skillful, self-serving expediency, and I require you to know this. It must be very clear by now that I hold a set of expectations that have been engineered in service of your enormous lie, and your failure to deliver against core aspects of those expectations produces a constant, bitter fuel for my grievance. I want you to understand that this is a source of deep suffering to me, and also that it shapes my experience, but it does not define it. There are many types of pain, and this is pain that I live with, moment upon moment, day upon day, and it will not be eased until that which has been left carelessly unresolved is carefully resolved. I want you to know that this has become the reality of my life, and I am deeply unhappy with it, and in the midst of this agonising disempowerment I am still able to attain clarity about it and to articulate it even while it silences me in multiple ways. I have lost so much, and it seems like I lose even more with each day and week that passes. Will I die still waiting for every resolution promised? 

Existential scream

This is too hard. 

It has gone on for too long. 

I have nothing to show for it.