Unacceptable

This is another thing. It is another thing after another thing after another thing, all of them wrong, misguided, unfair, unjust, ill-conceived, and unacceptable. Unacceptable. At what point did you consider it would be OK to foist all of these another things at me, repeatedly, over and over, so that their wrong, misguided, unfair, unjust, ill-conceived unacceptability would accumulate into a sum of another things that were tolerable or even agreeable to me? 

Your delusion pays you no compliments. Your disingenuity pays you no reward. Your deceit pays you nothing at all, save its own bitter harvest. I shall not sup at that table. I shall not sup at any table where your empty promises are served. I may be hungry, but do not mistake my hunger for desperation. 

Shame. (Yours, not mine).

Why you thought I would play your stupid games when I don’t even have enough money to buy food, I’ll never know. 

Status?

Officially f#cked. 

(Thanks for nothing).* 

I have not even started...

I have not even started to express how angry I am at you, for what you have done and what you have failed to do.  

This may or may not be true

... but it’s overwhelmingly how I’m feeling. 

I will not forgive you.

I will not forgive you. I will not forgive you for what you have done to me. I will not forgive you for your lies. I will not forgive you for your betrayal. I will not forgive you for endangering me. I will not forgive you for the suffering that you have deliberately engineered in order to manipulate me. I will not forgive you for taking advantage of me. And you, the person who promised me that you, of everyone, would not take advantage of me, I will especially not forgive you. Not ever. I will not forgive your falsehood to me. I will not forgive your cunning friendship. I will not forgive you for telling me it will be ok, when clearly it is not. I will not forgive you for denying me the resources I need to do what I do well. I will not forgive you for robbing me of monetary support. I will not forgive you for the injuries you have caused to my physical body. I will not forgive you for keeping me too poor to have my teeth fixed. I will not forgive you for continuing to keep me poor long after you knew it was causing me daily, ongoing pain. I will not forgive you for taking my things. I will not forgive you for inviting me into your home and then shutting me out. I will not forgive you for your systematic exclusion of me. I will not forgive you for setting me up with stupid ploys that relied repeatedly upon me being the better person while you took the credit as if your base immorality could possibly be a claim to intelligent planning. I will not forgive you for holding my cherished items hostage while you snigger more crudely than a bunch of baboons at your idiotic ownership. I will not forgive you for telling me you would keep me safe when you haven’t and you didn’t. I will not forgive you for pretending to give anything to me when your motive was purely gain. I will not forgive you for the insult of pretending that you care about me when clearly you do not. I will not forgive you for the mockery you have made of my hopes and ambitions. I will not forgive you for making me sandwiches, like you thought I was worth feeding, when your subsequent actions have denied me the wherewithal to feed myself. I will not forgive you for gazing into my eyes, like I mattered. I will not forgive you for lying to me. I will not forgive you for laughing at me. I will not forgive you for humiliating me publicly, not once but many times. I will not forgive you for segregating me from people who matter to me. I will not forgive you for telling me that it would be worth it. I will not forgive you for getting me into this. I will not forgive you for the insensitivity of your perfect life. I will not forgive you for bragging about your success when you have so badly wronged me by causing my own success to be grossly withheld. I will not forgive you for letting this happen to me. I will not forgive you for using your high opinion of me to entrap me in an unending farce of disrespect. I will not forgive you for the promises you made that you have not kept or even acted as if you intended to keep. I will not forgive you for toying with my hope. I will not forgive you for stealing my dreams. I will not forgive you for taking years of my actualised life away from me. I will not forgive you for causing my holiday to be cancelled. I will not forgive you for the ungodly weariness that you blithely demand of me, with no concern for its cumulative effect. I will not forgive you for the manufactured conflicts that you have wrested upon me. I will not forgive you for what you did to my dog. I will not forgive you for what you stole from me, or what you pretended to steal from me. I will not forgive you for your dishonesty. I will not forgive you for your utter lack of compunction towards me. I will not forgive you for keeping me awake at night. I will not forgive you for subjecting me to bullying and harassment, as if that was an endeavour that had any worth other than fulfilling your own base desires at my expense. I will not forgive you for your incompetence. I will not forgive you for your bro-propriatiin. I will not forgive you for ignoring me. I will not forgive you for forgetting me. I will not forgive you for never being the one who initiates contact between us. I will not forgive you for all the empty spaces in my life that should have been filled with us, many of us. I will not forgive you celebrating my successes without me. I will not forgive you for keeping me from going to my own party. I will not forgive you for never buying me that drink. I will not forgive you for the O’s, any of them. I will not forgive you for pretending I have any authority when it is just another way to manipulate and marginalise me. I will not forgive you for treating me so badly with your defective administration. I will not forgive you for conspiring with others to ensure that my needs are not met. I will not forgive you for telling me the wrong things about what I needed to do. I will not forgive you for omitting the instructions I needed. I will not forgive you for telling me I wouldn’t need a degree. I will not forgive you for interfering with my academic progression. I will not forgive you for eroding my standard of living. I will not forgive you for the incompetent workmen, the deceptive practitioners, and the uncompensated damage to my assets. I will not forgive you for sloppiness. I will not forgive you for the holes in my goddam undies. I will not forgive you for the ankle injury, I will not forgive you for failing to ask after my wellbeing. I will not forgive you for endangering my life on the roads. I will not forgive you for compelling me to insignificant and inconsequential things at the expense of things that really mattered to me. I will not forgive you for the relentless grind of impossible deadlines. I will not forgive you for gaslighting me. I will not forgive you for all the things that were smashed. I will not forgive you for your absence of genuine compassion towards me. I will not forgive you for all the ways you made me uglier than I needed to be. I will not forgive you for the price you charged for goods and services you have never provided to me. I will not forgive you for treating me like this. I will not forgive you for refusing to dance with me, even once. I will not forgive you for taking and taking and then giving back in such a perverted way that I could never receive any benefit from it. I will not forgive you for not having my back. I will not forgive you for pretending you had my back. I will not forgive you for assuming I am an inexhaustible reservoir for you to consume at will. I will not forgive you for treating my perseverance, determination and humour as a license to disregard the more obvious signs of my discomfort and distress. I will not forgive you for any of it. I will not forgive you. And I will not forget. 

know this

know this

and know it well

you may find my wound

you may take up a corrupted blade and probe it

you may make a mockery of passing the blade to many who

each in their turn will poke the festering hole

and laugh even while they are doing it

you may delight in the ease

of my suffering

but you will

never

know me thus

knowingnotknowing

                     is / become

She is

She is writing. 

SHE is writing. 

She IS writing. 

She is WRITING. 

She's writing. 

There is no story that ends this way.

Dear Universe, 

There is no story that ends this way. There is no story that starts this way. There is no story that traverses this landscape. There is no story in which this will ever happen. There is no story in which this happens. This is in no story. This story will not be written. This story will not be told. This story will not be dreamt. This story will not be. This story is not. This story will never be.

There is no story that ends this way. 

Epitaph

I have loved the stars too fondly

to be fearful of the light