I hope you know

I hope you know –––

I hope you know ––– I kept a journal – yes – all those years ago – I kept a journal – I kept it hidden – I knew you would read it ­– so I hid it – I hid it really well – you never found it – though I’m sure you looked – I hope you know ––– I wrote it down – all of it – in the silence of night – secretly – with a towel rolled up against the door to hide the light – a contraband act – I hope you know ––– I broke your rules – many rules – to fill the cheap paper with my simple recounts – to tell everyday moments in unadorned words – with one requirement on every page – honesty – I hope you know ––– I wrote about your rules – your relentless rules – my earnest adherence – your punishments – everything you used to justify even harsher means – until there was nothing left but rules – obedience – punishment – guilt – and the tiny radical freedom of writing in the dark – I hope you know ––– the only rules I knowingly broke – ever – were the ones I broke by keeping a journal – I hope you know ––– I wrote often about how much I loved you – and about many other things – and all the words I wrote tell a story even I didn’t know I was writing – a much bigger story about what you did – and what it did to me – systematic invalidation, coercion, isolation, surveillance, interrogation, manipulation – and it’s clear – it was never about parental care – or moral concern – or spiritual welfare – it was about control – absolute control – I hope you know ––– you cannot rewrite this story – no matter what you say – no matter how hard you try – it is already written – the truth – in youthful handwriting – in looping ink – on 400 spiral bound pages – because ––– I kept a journal.