Today I went to see my fabulous GP, but instead of a prescription, I was given a revelation.
I was there to have some paperwork filled out. The receptionist brought in the records that were transferred from my previous doctor when we moved here from another state. I asked to look through the notes, because I hadn’t seen them at all since my diagnoses.
I was fascinated to discover that I had complained – repeatedly - about both pain and lumpiness in the outer quadrant of my left breast as far back as Nov 2006. During visit after visit with my then GP, I brought this up. I insisted on several rounds of investigation, and the GP begrudgingly ordered scans, more to shut me up than anything else, I suspect. The ultrasounds were clear each time.
This is because, despite its huge size at diagnosis, the tumour was still invisible on ultrasound. What was needed was a mammogram and/or a biopsy. For my concerns to be treated with more than a token response.
I’m a little shocked, to be honest. I knew I had reported my concerns previously, and been reassured, but I had forgotten how sustained my worry was. All along my body was telling me something was wrong, and I had heard it loud and clear.
After I was diagnosed I started to doubt my intuition, my psychic sense, my experience as an energetic healer. What sort of a healer doesn’t spot the growth of an enormous cancer in her own body? How could I have allowed this disease to manifest so splendidly in my life, completely unawares?
Now, I can’t believe that I doubted myself. My intuition was fine. It was science that failed me.
All along I have asked, Why? What is the meaning of this illness in my life? Now I’m starting to understand that it might be about learning to express my truth, clearly, even in the face of rational scepticism or the personal biases of other people. This is the lesson of the throat chakra, and it has everything to do with writing, and healing, and just being myself in the world. Being. Fully.
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