Nineteen years

Happy Anniversary ~ to the love of my life.
xxx

The perfect quote?

Don’t you hate that?

Sometime in the last three days, I read the perfect quote.  It summed up a concept that I have since given a lot of mental air time.  I have visited the idea at least once in conversation of the deep and meaningful kind, in my own imperfect and fumbling words.  The quote expressed with rare precision and delicacy the sort of paradox that only the most universal and enduring life truths hinge upon.  It was the type of perfect quote that you read to anyone who will let you, share on Facebook, and enjoy the bubbling forth of creative reply.

But I’ve forgotten where it was.

I have retraced my virtual steps, and even gone so far as to walk around my house and gaze about each room, in case the source pages should leap into focus in my refreshed memory.  But to no avail. 

I try to remember.  I recall the moment of deep, dizzy recognition, a sudden intake of breath, the feel of the smile spreading across my face, and I read it again, this time the swirling words absorbed more slowly. A pause as the crystalline weight of the idea spreads inside my mind.  And then, a distraction, the sudden need to tear myself away from the passage, and a choice to put it down. 

Somewhere in the intervening busy-ness, it has slipped away from me, like a cunning teacher, or a secretive sage.

But I still feel the energy of the message.  I feel it in my solar plexus, as if the words are still connected to my body.  Perhaps the quote has escaped me deliberately, so I must try harder to connect the dots, learn the lesson, know the truth of it in my own way.  Or maybe the wisdom has not left me at all, but has burrowed deeper into my consciousness, in order to expand and find new expression in me, in my words - in my own perfect quote.

Soul Purpose

What is your soul purpose?

I had a very interesting conversation with my Wise Old Sister (WOS) a while ago.  Having just spent the weekend at a core shamanism workshop, I found myself again in the place of questioning my intent, my purpose, and my sense of meaning.  What am I doing here on the planet?  What is the higher purpose of my life?

The concept of being a shamanic practitioner who may be called to share these skills with the community is a tricky one within our contemporary cultural setting.  We are weirdly hung up on having “qualifications”, when the raw truth is there is no regulatory authority on the planet who can issue a certificate when it comes to a tradition which is handed down experientially from teacher to student over period of time.  This occurs as the student becomes ready and the circumstances for learning unfold in the student’s life (prompted no doubt by Spirit).  It is the ultimate ‘learn-by-doing’ modality.

My WOS very patiently listened to me telling her that I’m not really any of the things that I used to think I was (insert whiney voice) and I don’t even know what my life purpose is anymore, and then she said:

Your soul purpose isn’t confined to an activity, or a profession, or any single calling.  It is instead the energetic vibration that you incarnate into this life with, and the number of ways that it can be expressed in is infinite.  Ok, it’s possibly limited a little based on your personality, inherent talents, and desires…but is theoretically infinite in its expression.  So a “healer” isn’t necessarily so just by virtue of hanging out the shingle, or training as a doctor or naturopath, or seeing reiki clients…the essence of “healer” will inform all their encounters.  It’s purely our egos that want to know “what is my life’s purpose?”  Our souls/spirits just get on with expressing their particular gift – hopefully with some degree of mindfulness – very simply through every act of authenticity.  Whether it be by creating something, expressing something, witnessing something, sharing something, healing something, it doesn’t matter.  

(See, I told you she is Wise).

Part of having a radical life revision (in the form of a potentially fatal disease) involves questioning everything – every construct or belief that got me this far in life – and assessing its truth and ongoing relevance.  In the past I have believed myself to be a writer, a healer, a dancer – and even though I was engaged quite heavily in those activities at the time, I now feel closer to these goals not by being “xyx label” – but rather by doing.  By walking it, not talking it.  Sure, some labels might be handy for understanding my motivation, setting goals, enunciating my intent – but really, just walking the path, really allowing myself to drop into it and be open to the unlimited possibilities is much more valuable than any title I could possibly claim or invent.  I suspect the next stage of my maturation involves dropping out of the old egoic spirituality and into just being what I am instead.  Gloriously and with utter humility.  I’m starting to catch a glimpse of Something which is far bigger, wordless in its entirety, and integrated into Everything. 

Wayne Dyer has something very pertinent to say (as usual):

Your thoughts about who you are, what excites you, and what you feel called to be and do are all Divinely inspired and come with whatever guidance and assistance you’ll need to actualize these goals.

∞

Quotalicious "Fierce"

You need to claim the events in your life to make yourself yours.  When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality. ~ Florida Scott-Maxwell

"Fierce with reality."  I like that.

Fallow

The reaching tendrils of winter have wound into every recess, chasing out the last of the autumn warmth.

In fact, the solstice, the darkest night of the year, is nearly upon us.  In years gone by I have called fabulous women to my home, and made merry with spiced wine and the ordinary magic of gathering.  This year, however, I’m still weary and I have not the energy for celebration.  I find myself contemplating instead the deep stillness of winter within the longer arc of my life.

I’ve finally taken myself along to a psychologist for some assistance with my cracked brain and scattered wits.  She is encouraging but realistic.  She tells me that a recent study indicated that 49% of cognitively disrupted folks had regained their normal function by the five year mark.  I’m sitting on the 20 month mark. During the second half of that time, I have seen a huge improvement (then, I was having trouble counting money at the shop and dialling telephone numbers) but even so I recognise I still have a way to go to restore my full cognitive wellbeing.

The reality that I’m confronting is that I’m not as capable as I have been in the past.  Not in terms of my skills or intelligence, but in terms of my capacity.  With multitasking stripped away, and fatigue nipping ever at my heels, I simply cannot achieve the same quantity of anything in any given day or week.  I must leave my ego at the back door, amongst the untidy tangle of house shoes, and deal with the practicality of doing what I can.  And surrendering the rest.

This time was preceded by years of frenetic activity when the bounty of my youth lay ripe around me, and was followed by a stark harvest that laid the bones of those years open to the frost.  And now I rest.  Bare.  Fallow.  Still.  Dreaming under the wide sky while the good rain soaks through and the mysterious signs of life work their oblivious transformation from within. 

Who knows what possibility lies dormant, gathering strength from the earth that cradles it, waiting for the returning warmth of the sun?

Quotalicious "treasure"

Well, mythology tells us that where you stumble, there your treasure is.... The world is a match for us and we're a match for the world. And where it seems most challenging lies the greatest invitation to find deeper and greater powers in ourselves.

~ Joseph Campbell

Yanging my yin

And isn't it pretty?

Since my last gloomy offering, I've been busy yanging my yin.

This has consisted of getting sunshine, fresh air and as much activity as I can withstand.  Which, sadly, amounts to not much.  But it is nonetheless movement, and essentially yang in nature, which is what is needed.

Part of the process has been getting on top of a situation that I have been in total denial over for some time and which had very nearly reached a state of complete disaster.  (Denial is a very yin place to be).  So a big dose of yang helped me to swallow a bitter pill, and then ask for the help that I've needed all along.

So, to celebrate this incremental shift in the right direction, and to keep inviting the right kind of energy in to my life, I've given Spirited! a makeover.

The beautiful background art, so alive with colour and light, is by Chiaralily over at Flickr.  The rest of it was me clicking and twiddling with the blogger template designer.  What do you think?  I'm not entirely happy with the title fonts, and I wonder how legible the pink and purple is.  But I love the colour and the feel of it, and I hope you do too.