fortnight

I would like you to understand this: my anger does not represent some kind of mental unravelling due to the large assaults I have endured these past months, but it is a justifiable reaction to the small ones. The small daily, weekly, fortnightly assaults of repeated denials and exclusions and the daily effects of that on even the most basic aspects of my life. 

It was “payday” just a few days ago. I have not yet bought medication, nor shopped for the main part of the fortnightly groceries. We now have little more than $40 remaining in the bank. That won’t cover my medication, which is about to run out, and it’s not enough to pay for food for the next two weeks. This is not a result of my inaction or mismanagement, but rather the cumulative effect of all of the circumstances that have been artfully designed and systematically implemented for several years, while denying me access to all the normal mechanisms of seeking income and addressing financial issues with the main thing needed: money. 

So, go ahead and read the rest of this blog. Linger over those posts that have descended into crazy sweary rage-fuelled ranting. Consider what you know about me, if you know me, who I am and what I have done, for you and for other people, and then consider the depth of my anger at being so deeply under-resourced and unsupported for such an intolerably long time. Now consider your own role in allowing this to occur. At what point did you lead me to believe I would be OK, when nothing about this situation is OK? And then ask yourself whether you could or should have acted differently towards me, then or now. 

You might decide you have nothing to answer for. Maybe you are content to allow someone in your midst to be so badly treated, provided your own interests are looked after. But imagine it’s you who has only $40, and your fridge is about to be empty, and your medication is going to run out so you will start feeling pretty awful, and you’ve got nothing of value to sell, and there is every indication that none of this should be happening. Wouldn’t you be angry? Now ask yourself how or where or to whom you would express that anger, especially when your situation keeps getting worse? Because that is what is happening here. No amount of resilience or excellent mental health or personal transcendence will change it. Even if I manage to scrape through this fortnight, I am facing the same essential lack of necessary resourcing next fortnight, and the fortnight after that, on and on with no foreseeable improvement.

So, please do go ahead and read the rest of this blog. Be as hurt and offended and insulted and whatever else you like when you see what it is I have written here. But remind yourself that your grievance is perched atop Maslow’s hierarchy, while I’m down here at the bottom of it trying to figure out how I’m going to get medication for my basic wellness and how we are going to eat for the next fortnight. And then think about how many fortnights it's been and how many fortnights of this are still coming and everything else that has been and will be displaced from my life. Yes, I am still angry. And I will direct that anger wherever I fucking well like.