The reaching tendrils of winter have wound into every recess, chasing out the last of the autumn warmth.
In fact, the solstice, the darkest night of the year, is nearly upon us. In years gone by I have called fabulous women to my home, and made merry with spiced wine and the ordinary magic of gathering. This year, however, I’m still weary and I have not the energy for celebration. I find myself contemplating instead the deep stillness of winter within the longer arc of my life.
I’ve finally taken myself along to a psychologist for some assistance with my cracked brain and scattered wits. She is encouraging but realistic. She tells me that a recent study indicated that 49% of cognitively disrupted folks had regained their normal function by the five year mark. I’m sitting on the 20 month mark. During the second half of that time, I have seen a huge improvement (then, I was having trouble counting money at the shop and dialling telephone numbers) but even so I recognise I still have a way to go to restore my full cognitive wellbeing.
The reality that I’m confronting is that I’m not as capable as I have been in the past. Not in terms of my skills or intelligence, but in terms of my capacity. With multitasking stripped away, and fatigue nipping ever at my heels, I simply cannot achieve the same quantity of anything in any given day or week. I must leave my ego at the back door, amongst the untidy tangle of house shoes, and deal with the practicality of doing what I can. And surrendering the rest.
This time was preceded by years of frenetic activity when the bounty of my youth lay ripe around me, and was followed by a stark harvest that laid the bones of those years open to the frost. And now I rest. Bare. Fallow. Still. Dreaming under the wide sky while the good rain soaks through and the mysterious signs of life work their oblivious transformation from within.
Who knows what possibility lies dormant, gathering strength from the earth that cradles it, waiting for the returning warmth of the sun?
Totally get your feeling of needing to gather strength. Whilst I have not been through any major illness, I went into family mode emotionally and physically drained. I have struggled to be 100% ever since.
ReplyDeleteHope you find your strength this Solstice.